I take a bath and look at myself from head to toe. And I wonder what I find beautiful and less beautiful about myself. What I am ashamed of and what I am proud of. What I dare to show off and what I prefer to hide… Maybe those thoughts also occur to you from time to time?
All those thoughts are running through your head. Sometimes more intensely than others. For example, when you have a new date. Or when you have an important meeting and you have to lose out to other handsome(r) colleagues. Maybe you wake up with it every day and regularly criticise yourself in the mirror. Or do you go to sleep with it every day? But one person is naturally fresher in the morning and the other in the evening. That last? Oh. That was a joke.
People, people and more people. They have put it in your and my head that your feet, your face, your stomach or your ears are not beautiful enough. Not good enough. Not good enough to fit in. Or to be attractive.
Perhaps it was your mother who subtly reminded you from an early age that your bum gets in the way too much. Maybe you were asked about the shape of your penis after exercising in the shower. Maybe it was too small, too big or too ugly. Maybe your partner is repeatedly encouraging you to cut down on sugar because that tummy goes against their ideal of beauty. Perhaps in class, by the teacher, you were repeatedly reminded of how tall/small/thin you are. Often subtly, sometimes right in your face… And sometimes just plain rude and degrading.
You are/were a victim of body shaming. And most likely you are also guilty of body shaming. I too got my share of body shaming, but I also plead guilty. It’s ingrained in us. Beauty ideals are constantly upheld by each of us, and further enhanced by commercial interests. Just pay attention when you pass the pharmacy. In a pharmacy it is full of advertising images of one type of woman, one with smooth, soft, often fair skin. The place that is supposedly intended to enhance our well-being helps to maintain unrealistic ideals of beauty.
Or check out porn. It is full of ‘ste’s’. The slimmest, fattest, biggest, smallest, youngest, horniest, hottest, prettiest, tallest and deepest. It is very frustrating when your body has few ‘stes’. And if you have a lot of ‘stes’, you can undoubtedly receive desired and unwanted compliments on it every day. Then you become an object for others.
And so ideals of beauty only create more divisions between people. It promotes body shaming. Even if you think you’ve never made a subtle comment to anyone else. You are also biassed. You may not be attracted to a fat person. And that is your right. But do you also consider where that prejudice in yourself comes from? In the time of Rubens, but also in various regions of the world, being ‘fat’ was/is an ideal of beauty. You can remain blind to your prejudices. Or you can learn to look at it differently.
You can learn to look at the people around you differently. It takes time, courage and perseverance. And it remains an eternal road to build. Do you dare to look at a different kind of porn, with a more realistic representation of reality? Are you open to dating someone who isn’t on your shortlist of tall, strong, handsome, blond men? Can you also experience beauty and perhaps even attraction in beholding someone you would otherwise never see? Does a woman always have to have a big bust to fit into your ideal woman? Can you convert that judgmental view of a (too) thin woman into a positive view?
Just like racism, it is of course important to point out and condemn body shaming everywhere and at all times. But we can’t dream of a world where all bodies can join in triumph if we don’t compassionately recognize, transform and heal the body shamer (or racist) in ourselves.
